Yikes! Life sucks and then you.... (otherwise known as bar exam blues)

Gomen.... it's been a while.... I also want to apologize, because this is going to be a self-pity session. But it's what a blog is for, right??? A place where you can b**** and whine to your heart's content and not be dinged too much for it....

So, to update... I failed the bar exam the first time around and made a second attempt recently. I am waiting on those results now... oh, joy.

Why, oh why does being a practicising lawyer all depend on multiple choice????? Give me 2 dozen essays to write and I'll be happy to write my heart out about commercial paper, corporations, trusts or even secured transactions! Ugh....

Anyway, we'll see how it goes. I'm not optimistic. I'm just a god-awful multiple choice test taker. (I always wind up whittling down to two answers and picking the wrong one...) If it doesn't happen this time... I'll try again, of course. I can't work in the industry without it.

It's depressing and it's also extremely embarrassing. I feel like an idiot. I feel uncomfortable talking to friends and loved ones, especially friends from law school. (It's not them, it's ALL on my end!!!!!!) They're wonderful people that have been extraordinarily supportive, but really... what can one say to someone who didn't pass the most important exam of their life??

I've heard all the arguments... that bar exams are tough and plenty of smart people have failed. That's all well and good, but it still hurts... I'm still a failure and I'll always be haunted by the fact I was a failure.

I've decided that this tells me I'm just not that smart. Humbling really... but it could be that it's one of those necessary life lessons that I need. I think I've coasted for too long thinking a bit too highly of myself. Maybe a few years down the line I'll realize that this smack in the face is what I need to build character, but in the meantime, it still fundamentally hurts....

It also makes it hard for me to job search in some ways too. I'm in a dead spot right now. My choices are limited by my ability (or not) to pass a bar exam. I know it's not impossible and there are things I can do, but also the failure makes me less inclined to WANT to job search and network as I should.

None of this of course excuses me from actually going out and doing what I need to do. I know that and I will go out and get the job done. I have to. But it still doesn't change the fact it hurts.